


i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst and Humor, Complicated Relationships, Drunk Sex, M/M, Redeemed Ben Solo, Resistance Member Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:00:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22321474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: The most annoying thing about Ben Solo being “on their side” now was that Poe wasn’t allowed to shoot him.Or, five times Poe wanted to shoot Ben + one time he actually did.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 100





	i wonder if your therapist knows everything about me

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Fall Out Boy.

1.

The most annoying thing about Ben Solo being “on their side” now was that Poe wasn’t allowed to shoot him.

Not for lack of trying on Poe’s part. In fact, when Rey had first brought him in, the guy was lucky Rey had stepped in front of him so fast because Poe’s blaster had been ready. A little warning that she was bringing Kylo Ren back with her would have been nice, but no one ever listened to Poe. No matter how many times he complained about it.

Poe didn’t entirely agree with Leia and Rey’s conviction that Kylo – Ben – was fully committed to making up for his mistakes, but he knew better than to publicly kick up a fuss about it. If Leia believed her son was trying to redeem himself, and that he wanted to be part of the Resistance, Poe wasn’t going to argue.

But he was going to keep an eye on Ben. Just in case.

Someone had to.

“Weren’t you friends or something?” Finn asked on the way back from a supply run, Chewbacca at the control panel of the _Millennium Falcon_.

“We knew each other,” Poe allowed.

“So why are you so hard on him? Rey knew him for like ten seconds when he was evil and thought he could change.”

_I screamed so loud in that interrogation room I broke the droid’s sensors,_ Poe remembered. _And that was easier than what he did to me._

_He didn’t choose me,_ Poe remembered. _He chose Snoke._

“Maybe I know him better,” was all Poe said, and Finn left it alone.

It was chance, probably, that when they landed on base and Poe walked down the boarding ramp, he was just in time to notice an X-wing swooping in to land on the tarmac as well. He shaded his eyes to look, wondering to Finn, “Who d’you think that is? I don’t remember Leia sending anyone out before we left.”

After a moment, he recognized the distinctive orange of his own X-wing. “Who’s flying my ship?” Black Squadron still had their own starfighters, and their situation wasn’t so dire these days that all available ships went to anyone who needed one. That ship was his, and only he flew it. He wouldn’t trust anyone outside Black Squadron with it. Maybe Rey, but he was still figuring that out.

The paint job had taken forever.

“You won’t like it,” someone said nervously from behind Poe’s shoulder.

He looked over to Rose. “Yeah? Why’s that?”

She twisted her hands in front of her. “The general needed… Well, she sent Ben out. In it. Your ship.”

“Oh, hell, no,” Poe said, already striding forward towards the ship as it set down, kicking up dust and debris. His hand was on his blaster and he heard Finn protesting behind him.

“Poe,” he was saying, “Poe, come on.” He grabbed Poe’s elbow.

“He’s flying my ship! My ship!” Poe exclaimed, not sure how to make Finn, who had never been a pilot, understand. “I only even have it because he kriffing blew up my last one, you know.”

“The general had her reasons,” Finn said, clearly placating. “It’ll be okay. Look, not a scratch. He’s a good pilot.”

“That is really not the point.” Reluctantly, Poe relaxed his hand away from his blaster and ran it through his hair. “He’s too fucking tall for it anyway.”

He glared when Ben jumped down from the cockpit, and Ben carefully didn’t look his way.

2.

Infiltrating a First Order Star Destroyer with Ben Solo wasn’t exactly on the list of things Poe wanted to do before he died, but on the plus side, at least he would be there to make sure Ben didn’t do something stupid. Or betray them.

He looked ridiculous in the uniform. His shoulders were too broad. It would probably split down the back if Ben raised his arms.

“Are you sure no one will recognize you?” Poe asked, admittedly for probably the fourth time. “This was a terrible plan.”

“I wore a mask,” Ben said, yet again. “Most of the First Order has no idea what I look like. It’s highly unlikely we’ll run into the ones who do.”

“Seems pretty risky to me.”

“I thought you liked risks.”

Poe sighed.

He continued following Ben’s lead, hoping he knew where he was going as well as he said he did. This would really only work if they could pass through unseen.

The black ball droid in their path was something of a surprise. Poe skidded to a stop as its visual sensor fixed on them but before either he or the droid could react, Ben blasted it with a taser and electricity fizzled through it, shutting it down.

“See?” Ben said. “We got what we needed, just like I said.”

“What we needed?” Poe asked, puzzled. “I thought we were coming for data, you… Oh.” The droid. The droid was the data. “You didn’t think maybe you could tell me first we were stealing a First Order droid?”

Ben shrugged, striding forward to the astromech. “I mean, I could extricate the data but it’s quicker to take it with us, and we’ll get more out of it. Besides, once we’ve got what we need I can reprogram it, make it a Resistance droid.”

Poe breathed in, then out, his fingers itching towards his blaster. “A Resistance droid?”

“Yeah. These rollies are great droids. Like your Beebee-Ate.”

“I don’t want that thing anywhere near Beebee-Ate. It’s a bad influence.”

“Poe, I’m gonna reprogram it.”

“Uh huh. You heard me.” Like Poe trusted either this First Order droid or Ben’s engineering skills. He watched as Ben crouched down near it, fussing with its circuits. “Now what are you doing?”

“Rewiring it so it will follow us.” A spark shot out and Ben sucked the tip of his finger into his mouth, shaking it out. “Do you know how heavy these are? I don’t want to carry it. It will look less suspicious if it follows on its own, too.”

“Because you don’t look suspicious all on your own?”

“I’m not the one who gets identified by stormtroopers because of my hair.”

“That was one time! A couple of times. I’m the one making the accusations here, okay?”

Ben looked worrisomely close to laughter. “If you say so.”

“I’m surprised we even found a uniform to fit you,” Poe muttered.

3.

Hot water was a luxury on base. In fact, running water showers in general were a luxury. Ben Solo clearly didn’t appreciate this fact.

“I guess Kylo Ren didn’t have to use the sonic on his Star Destroyers,” Poe said, ostensibly under his breath but really hoping that someone nearby would hear. Especially Ben himself, who had just come out of one of the ‘fresher stalls.

Poe could tell by the amount of steam that the hot water was going to be gone. Again. Just like every morning this week, every time Poe arrived to find Ben had beaten him there.

Poe didn’t remember Ben being such a morning person.

Ben dragged the towel from his hair, leaving it a damp, ruffled mess. But still somehow glossy black and soft-looking. Bastard. “What?” he said, draping the towel behind his neck.

He was shirtless, a towel wrapped around his waist. His skin was damp. Damn he’d filled out since… Never mind.

Poe dragged his traitorous gaze upwards to Ben’s face.

“Good morning,” Ben said.

“There had better be hot water left,” Poe said, pushing past him. He accidentally knocked into the solid mass of Ben’s chest, his hand brushing against Ben’s skin, and that was just… unacceptable.

“I’m not the only one who’s showered this morning, you know.”

“You are the only hot water thief, though,” Poe insisted. Everyone else knew better. They were considerate. Unlike some.

The hot water was, in fact, mostly depleted. Poe sighed and wet his hair with lukewarm water, reaching for his shampoo.

Which was a lot emptier than it had been yesterday. His expensive, imported from Kashyyyk shampoo that everyone on base knew to never, ever touch unless they wanted to be shot. Poe wasn’t a wealthy guy, okay, and his savings from the Navy were steadily depleting the longer the war went on. This stuff took forever to ship, and his dad on Yavin 4 had to be his go-between, considering how frequently they moved and the fact that he couldn’t exactly tell anyone “ship this to the Resistance base, please”.

Chewbacca had put in a special word for him, damn it.

Ben’s hair had looked particularly luxurious this morning.

“Fuck you, Ben Solo!” Poe yelled, cool water dripping down his neck.

Ben was lucky Poe didn’t bring his blaster into the refresher.

4.

“So you see, General,” Poe finished up, “I can’t go.”

He thought his reasoning was sound. He had kept his explanation for why he couldn’t possibly attend the fancy ball on Coruscant filled with high society types who might have money to spare very logical; he hadn’t even brought up his number one reason, which was that it sounded boring and he was certain there wouldn’t be anything for him to blow up. Honestly he felt that Leia should be impressed with his detailed evaluation of the situation and his well-presented defense of his stance.

Instead, she raised one eyebrow. “You can’t go because you don’t have a plus one.”

“Well, I mean, that’s definitely a contributing factor, and--”

“I’ll be your plus one,” Ben volunteered.

Poe closed his eyes for a moment to settle himself; he really couldn’t shoot Ben in front of his mother. “That’s hardly the point; like I said, I--”

“I think you’ll find this circumvents most of your main points,” Leia interrupted, a gleam in her eye that made very clear to Poe that she knew exactly why he actually didn’t want to go. “It’s settled, then. Get dressed; you can take one of the unmarked shuttles. I’ll scan the invitation into your datapad so you won’t have any trouble getting through the door.”

“Great,” Poe said, knowing when he was defeated. He turned around, refusing to look at Ben, and didn’t scowl until his back was to Leia and she couldn’t see his face.

-

“This is stupid,” Poe said to his reflection in the mirror as he arranged his scarf around his neck, loosely tying it and fixing the ends. Like he of all people should be tasked with trying to earn money for the Resistance. Leia should have asked General Calrissian to do this.

At least she wasn’t making him wear his Navy dress uniform. He wasn’t sure exactly who had found a fancy suit that fit him this well, but he wasn’t complaining. He appreciated, too, that he had been able to satisfactorily work his way around having to strangle himself with a tie. With one more look in the mirror, Poe smoothed one hand through his hair, glad he could be confident that if nothing else, he looked good.

He walked out of his quarters to nearly bump straight into Ben’s broad chest. He raised his eyes slowly upwards, past the black tux jacket, the crisp white shirt, and the neat tie, all the way up to Ben’s face and his thick dark hair.

Fuck him, okay. Fuck him. He could at least have the decency to look hideous.

He had probably used Poe’s shampoo and conditioner again.

(Hell, why did he smell so damn good?)

“Don’t say anything,” Poe said.

“You look nice,” Ben said.

“Damn it, I said don’t say anything,” Poe said, edging around Ben, and pretended he couldn’t hear Finn, Rey, and Rose laughing from down the corridor. It took a lot of willpower not to make a rude gesture at them, and also not to find something he could shoot Ben with. Maybe he could give him a scar that was less weirdly sexy than the ones he already had.

He hoped there was booze at this thing. Lots and lots of booze.

5.

Poe couldn’t figure out why his head hurt so much. He also had no idea where he was, because it definitely wasn’t his bed.

Oh, right. Coruscant. He was on Coruscant. That thing, for Leia. And it had been late, and he might have drunk too much, so he couldn’t fly, and Ben –

Bantha _shit._ Ben kriffing Solo. Poe dragged his hand over the bed and encountered a large lump of terrible, terrible choices.

The lump groaned.

Poe swore.

He lifted up the sheets because it couldn’t hurt to check, just to be sure. It could be completely innocent. Maybe they were just… sleeping together, in the platonic sense, and the hazy memories of mouths and… and hands (kriff his hands were big) were actually just alcohol-induced nightmares.

Poe was naked. So was Ben.

Fuck.

“Poe,” Ben mumbled, reaching over until one heavy arm was lying across Poe’s stomach and he was pressed to Poe’s side.

Poe closed his eyes and breathed for a second. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that this gigantic ass of a man was so… so… It just wasn’t fair. Poe hated this, and he hated himself, mostly because he didn’t hate this.

“Can you get out?” Poe asked.

Ben mumbled something unintelligible that might have just been, “Huh?”

“Get the hell out, Ben.”

It took him a moment, but then Ben shifted, and Poe couldn’t look at his stupid sad eyes. He didn’t get to be sad, okay? He was the asshole, not Poe.

Poe also, very carefully, did not look at any bit of Ben’s pale skin and muscled body as he searched for his clothes and hurriedly dressed enough to be presentable. He could feel when Ben stood there watching him for a second and Poe couldn’t do it, he couldn’t look at him.

The door slid open and closed and Poe had an absurd urge to laugh at the idea that he was making Kylo Ren do the walk of shame, leaving his room in a hotel on Coruscant.

He was still sitting in the bed, pondering the terrible choices that had led him here, when someone buzzed at the door. “What the hell,” Poe said, and depressed the button to let them in. Maybe it was room service. Who knew what other decisions he’d made last night?

It was not room service. It was Ben again, and now Poe couldn’t not see the disheveled mess of his hair, his half-unbuttoned shirt, the undone tie looped around his neck. His cheeks were flushed and Poe couldn’t decide how he felt about that.

“I just wanted…” Ben hesitated. “I was going to get you some blue milk, for your hangover, because I remembered you always used to… But they didn’t have any. Anyway. I don’t know why I felt like I had to tell you that.”

Poe stared at him for several long seconds, utterly at a loss.

It was probably for the best he’d had to leave his blaster on the shuttle.

+1

“Are you sure this isn’t Dagobah?” Poe asked as they ran, slightly breathless.

“I heard enough stories about Dagobah to know Dagobah when I see it, okay?” Ben said, annoyingly not sounding breathless at all. “Unidentified swamp planet with a First Order outpost.”

“Okay, but I’m just saying, I heard stories, too, and it feels like it could be Dagobah.”

Ben was about to answer when Poe tripped over a root on this kriffing not-Dagobah planet and landed sprawled on the muddy ground. The stormtroopers were almost on them, Poe knew, and he swore as he tried to collect himself.

Ben turned back and Poe… he panicked, okay. He panicked. Memories flashed through his head, forced to his knees, tortured on a Star Destroyer, Kylo Ren looming, Kylo Ren taking. Adrenaline was flowing through his bloodstream and all Poe could think was to act, to defend himself, defend himself from attack, and he fired his blaster.

Ben grunted and fell to one knee, clutching his side. Poe stared at the blaster in his hand.

The thud of boots grew closer until they were surrounded by stormtroopers, blasters aimed. Well, that was an unfortunate turn of events.

Ben’s eyes were wide and furious. “I was trying to help you!”

Poe let his blaster fall to the ground and raised his hands. “If you’re gonna lock us up, any chance we can get separate cells?”

-

It wasn’t so much a cell as a gate built into the opening of a cave. Poe bruised his fingers trying to reach through the bars to fiddle with the lock while Ben sat slumped in the corner, large hand pressed to the blaster hole in his torso.

“Sorry I shot you,” Poe said, because he could admit it hadn’t been the best course of action he could have taken. They might have gotten away otherwise.

“Now you’re sorry.”

“Hey, I’m apologizing, okay? You don’t have to be a dick about it.”

“You shot me!”

“And you tortured me! There, we’re even.” Frustrated, Poe gave up on the lock and sat there, head turned just slightly, enough so he could make out Ben’s dark form in the shadowy cave.

“We’re on the same side! It’s hardly the same thing.”

“Oh, so what’s a little torture between friends, huh? Because we’re friends now?” Poe felt his ears pinking, his mind helpfully conjuring up an image of Ben in a hotel bed, his tongue – Okay, brain, that was quite enough.

“I’ve been saving you for months! How about a little trust?”

“Trust? Seriously? You’re asking me to trust you? After everything?”

“How many times do you want me to apologize?”

“Once would be nice.”

Poe and Ben glared at each other and then Ben’s face fell; Poe wondered if he had even realized he had never actually said it, not to Poe, anyway.

The silence stretched. Finally Ben said, very small, “The apologies to the people I cared about were the hardest, because I hurt you the most.”

Poe resolutely stared at the dark cave wall, where moss grew. “More than the people whose families you killed?”

“I think you know what I mean.”

Maybe Poe did. He didn’t know that it mattered.

He was too slow to realize that the shuffling sound he heard was Ben moving across the ground to kneel at Poe’s side, too slow to realize until Ben was already right there. “I’m sorry,” Ben said, so low, and he couldn’t look at Poe’s face.

That was fine, because Poe didn’t want to have to see how sad his eyes looked. Force knew he had done stupid things for those eyes.

“I know you are,” Poe said eventually, and stroked his thumb over Ben’s knuckles.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before he heard movement in the swamp. He looked out, expecting to see stormtroopers coming to check on them, or take them away, or do whatever they were planning on doing, but instead it was Rey and Finn. Thank the stars, they’d found them.

“I love you,” Poe said, scrambling up to his feet, and Rey rolled her eyes a little but her lips were twitching towards a smile.

“Are you okay?” Finn asked.

“We’re in one piece.”

“Speak for yourself,” Ben said, half under his breath.

“Mostly,” Poe amended.

“Stand back,” Rey said.

Poe helped Ben get out of the way, not that Ben seemed particularly grateful for the assistance. They watched as Rey raised her hand and the gate pushed in, like from one giant shove, the bars cracking.

“You couldn’t have done that?” Poe asked Ben.

He shifted his weight awkwardly. “Kind of wanted to talk to you. Figured you’d only let me if we were stuck together in a room.”

“Kriffing hell. You bastard.”

“Poe shot me,” Ben offered.

“Poe shot you?” Rey exclaimed, springing into action to examine the damage, forcefully elbowing Poe out of the way.

Finn was shaking his head, resigned acceptance more than surprise. “I leave you alone with him for five seconds and you shoot him.”

“It wasn’t really on purpose, okay? And I feel sort of bad about it now,” Poe admitted, quieter. “I said I was sorry.”

“When I said we needed to rescue you before you killed each other,” Rey said, her hand pressed to Ben’s side, “I wasn’t actually being literal.”

“Never mind that for now,” Ben said. “Let’s just get off this planet. We can figure everything else out later.” His eyes were on Poe.

Poe didn’t let himself look away. He nodded, and Ben nodded back.

They would figure it out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my RL friends for giving me much enjoyment through brainstorming ideas for this fic! It ended up slightly less ridiculous and a lot more shippy than I thought it would be because somehow Finn was asking "weren't you friends or something?" And my brain was like... "shit of course they were", lol.


End file.
